I hate how the word stress is thrown around so casually these days. It’s become a filler word for everything. People use it when they’re impatient, angry, restless, or afraid. But stress isn’t just a fleeting emotion or a surface-level reaction. It’s deeper than that. And honestly, it’s hard to put into words. That’s the real challenge with stress.
To me, stress isn’t just about external triggers. It’s about what’s happening internally. Stress is the weight of wanting control. It refers to the expectation that your life should always follow a script, be perfect at all times and that you must be seen, heard, and validated. That craving for control is how I define stress.
And when you look closer, that craving is a symptom of low self-worth, growing up in an environment where love had conditions, being punished for mistakes instead of being allowed to learn from them, and never feeling good enough. So stress isn’t one isolated feeling. It results from many other things that have gone unresolved for years.
Some people believe it’s easy to fix. They say, “Just meditate, take a walk, breathe deeply, and calm down.” That’s the default advice. And while those things might offer momentary relief, they really don’t solve anything. Not at the root. Because stress doesn’t go away with a quick intervention. It keeps showing up in different forms until you deal with it from within.
The hidden faces of stress
Stress often hides in over-functioning – The more you try to stay in control, the more it controls you.
Stress isn’t always loud – Sometimes it looks like constant planning, people-pleasing, or needing to prove your worth.
Stress thrives in self-abandonment – When you ignore your needs to meet expectations, it quietly builds up.
Stress isn’t caused by chaos, but by resistance to it – It’s not the uncertainty that overwhelms us, it’s the need to control it.
Stress can be a trauma response – It’s not weakness. It’s your mind still trying to protect you, even if the threat is long gone.
How can we understand stress at its root?
It starts with being honest with yourself and having the patience to sit with whatever comes up. Honesty isn’t optional here, it’s essential. A lot of us bury our real feelings under layers of conditioned responses, so much so that we rarely hear our honest voice beneath it all. Also, please note that this isn’t something you figure out in a day. It takes time, curiosity, and a bit of courage to unpack.
So, the next time you feel stressed, try asking yourself these three questions:
- What am I constantly trying to control, fix, or avoid? And what fear is sitting underneath that?
- Can I pause long enough to witness my reaction without immediately acting on it? What would that reveal about me?
- Am I choosing what feels true to me, or what looks good to others? And what is the cost of that choice?
At first, you might only uncover something on the surface. But the more you reflect and stay with them, the deeper your understanding will grow. These questions aren’t for quick answers. They’re ones to come back to, gently, over time.
Start there. Stay with it. And that’s how healing begins, quietly, but deeply.
Akkshaya Varkhedi 