There’s this pattern that shows up at work for so many of us: the craving to be liked. Not just respected for the work, but really liked—seen as smart, capable, and worth celebrating. And the moment someone seems curt or doesn’t give that signal, the mind runs wild. “Do they think I’m not good enough? Did I say something wrong?” Before you know it, you’re bending over backwards to earn back approval that may not have been missing in the first place.
For women, this pressure often feels heavier. A lot of it comes from how we were raised. We are encouraged to be agreeable, polite, and accommodating, while directness or self-promotion is discouraged. By the time we reach the workplace, those lessons show up as constant balancing acts: Be competent, but don’t come across as intimidating. Be confident, but not “too much.” Share your wins, but do it carefully so no one calls it bragging.
It shows up in the little things. Softening emails with “just checking in” or “sorry to bother you.” Adding an exclamation mark to sound friendlier. Holding back an idea in a meeting because you’re worried it’ll come across the wrong way. I’ve caught myself doing all of these and sometimes still do.
The hard part is, chasing approval is never-ending. Even when you get it, when someone finally says “amazing job,” the high fades quickly, and the loop starts again. It’s like pouring water into a cup with a hole in it. And the irony? Most of the time people aren’t judging at all. They’re busy, distracted, thinking about their own deadlines.
I once shared these struggles openly in an online community of product managers. There were many helpful perspectives, but one response stayed with me. Mindy Zhang, Executive coach and former Product leader at Dropbox, wrote something that felt like both a reminder and a permission slip. Her advice was a GOLDMINE, and I feel all women should absolutely read it.
Here’s what she said:
I relate to this SO much. Early in my career, I received a lot of praise for being nice, approachable, and collaborative. I didn’t want to give that up because being likable seemed so crucial to my success. When it came time to step up as a leader, it took me a few years and a job change to find a more authentic voice– one that was clear, direct, and purposeful.
What I love is that (a) you have the self-awareness to realize the limitations of being liked and approachable, (b) you’re committed to growth. Kudos– you have all the elements necessary for change.
I want to acknowledge the bias that women in particular face at work. There’s the double-edged sword of likability vs. competence. And women are more likely to receive negative feedback about their personalities, whereas men get constructive feedback about their actual work. I bring this up to acknowledge that (a) you’re not alone, (b) it’s tough to strike that balance, and it’s not because you’re deeply flawed– there are real risks to being a direct, proactive, opinionated woman– generally more so than being a direct, proactive, and opinionated man.
That said, you’re also 100% right that you have agency in this situation. A few thoughts on how you can do this:
- First, ask yourself: Do you feel psychologically safe in your work environment? i.e. Do you feel like if you make a mistake or disagree with leadership or give honest feedback, that you won’t be punished or criticized for it? Have you personally experienced or observed others being punished or criticized for speaking up? If the culture lacks psychological safety, this company may not be the best place for you to develop your career. If the culture does create safety…
- Start experimenting with your communication style. Designing how we communicate is not unlike designing a product. (a) Choose something small to prototype. Pick a situation where you can speak up / be honest without massive risk. For example, maybe you start with a 1:1 convo instead of a large executive meeting. (b) Write down your top 3 talking points before the meeting. (c) Try it out! See how it lands.
You can even ask the person for feedback afterwards: “Hey, I’ve been working on sharing my thoughts more directly and candidly. I gave it a shot in our meeting just now. How did my communication land for you?” Then iterate based on the results of the experiment.- Test your hypotheses by asking for feedback. I coach a lot of high-achieving women. I’ve noticed that many of my clients hold assumptions about themselves that may or may not be true. For example, one client believed she came off as aggressive in a meeting.
But when she asked for feedback, others thought she was direct and clear, not aggressive. Instead of holding onto these untested assumptions, I recommend that you
(a) take action and try things,
(b) ask others for feedback on your communication.
Just like building a product, we can be smart about testing our hypotheses and avoid being an echo chamber of judgment about ourselves.- Accept that you will make others uncomfortable, and not everyone will like you. You interact with dozens of people a day, and each one of them has a different background, a different way of thinking, different biases and triggers, different pet peeves and preferences. You cannot possibly bend over backwards and optimize your behavior to each individual person. Attempting to be palatable to everyone in every situation would require giving up your sense of self and wasting time/energy that you could be using to have real impact on the product.
In short, it’s a futile task. So accept that in focusing on impact, you will encounter people who say “she’s difficult to work with” or “that convo rubbed me the wrong way” or even “I don’t like her.”
Occasionally upsetting each other is part of being in a relationship. But even if you upset others, and even if they don’t like you, you can still have trusting and productive relationships with them. How? By making it clear that you are receptive to their feedback– i.e. “Hey, I really value our relationship so if there’s ever anything I can do to improve how I communicate with you, will you let me know?” You don’t have to ruminate about whether or not you upset them– they’ll tell you, and that’ll spark a useful convo about how the two of you can better communicate.- Know that no matter what happens in the conversation, everything is resolvable. I’ve had my fair share of difficult convos that didn’t go well. I’d get impatient with a direct report or passive aggressive with a colleague. If I didn’t show up as my best self in a convo, I had no shame in following up with them and asking for a do-over: “I wasn’t my best self in yesterday’s convo. I got impatient with you, and it wasn’t your fault– it was mine because I was having a rough day. Can we try that again?” The other person always says yes and appreciates the candor. (The obvious exception here is if you do something unforgivable… like a throw-a-chair-at-someone type situation. But I doubt that’s likely!)
Last note here: The best leaders with the most loyal followings make other people uncomfortable. I see this very clearly when I do 360 feedback reviews for leaders. The best leaders’ team members say: “She pushed and challenged me, which was scary at times but I grew so much because of it.” or “She forced a tough conversation about our strategy, which made us frustrated and upset at the time but looking back, it was absolutely the right thing to do.”
Why do the best leaders make others uncomfortable?
(a) Growth and learning is always uncomfortable, and great leaders enable growth and learning for others.
(b) Great leaders surround themselves with people who lean into discomfort because it makes them and the company better.
So, it’s clear that the shift comes from noticing the pattern and choosing a different anchor. Instead of “Do they like me?” we should ask ourselves “Am I proud of how I showed up?” It doesn’t make the craving vanish overnight, but it takes away some of the weight. Approval becomes a bonus, not the whole point.
I still stumble back into the trap sometimes, but little by little, the question is changing. And that kinda feels like progress…
Akkshaya Varkhedi 